You can do it, Naomi! You're...
ONLY 10 EASY STEPS AWAY FROM OSCAR!
1.) Bankrupt small, independent distributor via massive Oscar campaign. Failing that, proceed to...
2.) Cash in King Kong residual checks to pay for FYC advertisements from Kinko's.
3.) To avoid getting sent straight to VOD, attach entire film as a "trailer" to another film people actually want to see. And then...
4.) Try to do it Lahti-style and win Academy Award for Best Short Film.
5.) Avoid telling a story that everyone already knows by adding exciting details and/or gratuitous editing.
6. Carefully and patiently weather the wrath of film critics/the royal family/the tabloids/Diana-maniacs for trying to add said details. (Good luck!)
7. Find all of the boxes with "August: Osage County" screeners and slip in self-made cam bootleg from premiere screening at Lowes...the hardware store.
(Not Loews, the movie theater -- too expensive!)
8. Trick octogenarian Oscar voters into thinking that you are, in fact, a real princess. (Hey, it worked on Eva Marie Saint!)
9. On Oscar night, have camera crews come to Nicole's house, Joan Crawford-style, so you can win and keep your day job.
10. OSCAR!
